Beijing HHH - Hash Trash

A first today with a record 12 “first-timers” and the annual one run by Canadian Chlamydia (heck she even brought along her brother the movie star, Ted), was the woman outnumbering the men in a hash that saw close to 40 people!!! Unfortunately only 3 people ran without a shirt and none of them were women. The GM was fashionably late from picking up the new BH3 beer coozies (and yes they fit the BIG beer bottles and the hare raiser, Dry Hole, was off searching for chalk as the hares, Lin Zhang and Eric Smith (baptized Cock Sourcerer today) had run out. A bit more disturbing when he was told they used bricks to mark the trail.

Lin, a local, said she could not find any chalk…Dry Hole in less than 8 minutes on foot found a box of chalk and returned triumphant yet also realizing maybe he needs to adjust the “Hare Information” pamphlet that he provides each week. The hares quickly explained the marks for the first timers and although we didn’t adhere to German timing of 3PM sharp we were off within a reasonable amount of time with our two virgin hares. But wait…a quick RMB120 was handed to me by No Beer Required for herself and one more hasher as they emerged from the Ditie. Within minutes Pocahomo and Fuck that Monkey had removed their shirts to the dismay of locals and thought it wise to play chicken with the Beijing sun and it’s ultraviolet/ultraviolent rays.

Our beer stops would be two and both serviced by a cooler in the bag car. After last weeks’ “warm” beer incident the hashers were desperate to know that today would be different. Piles was off with the walkers nearly 15 strong and to FTM’s dismay his first timer friend Matt was actually walking not running (much punishment would occur in the circle!). DH was excited because we were heading for the Drive In theatre on Liangmaqiao and also into Chaoyang Park. Not for a cheap date and some private snuggling but for all the wonderful trails and neighboring hutongs. Unfortunately the hares prefer asphalt and concrete so even in these areas it was all hard roads and sidewalks!! As we worked our way through the embassy area and the seldom seen marks we entered the Drive In and found the glorious cooler of beer. Unfortunately when we opened the lid it looked like someone cleaned out their fridge…some cans, some bottles and all appeared to be covered in cigarette ash! Hell we were all parched so what’s a little ash when you think about the air we breathe? After a few minutes the walkers arrived and finished off the beer so we sent Jin, the bag car driver, off with an empty cooler and some RMB to pick-up more for beer stop 2.

Now is when DH’s real disappointment set in! Instead of open check and entering the trail system in the movie theatre area we went right back out the entrance and across the street to Chaoyang Park. With several runners from the Wednesday Chaoyang group in attendance we were treated to running part of our trail (again on pavement) in reverse and the scenery change was AMAZING. Out the east gate to the blue beer cooler full again with cold beer!!! Low and behold here come the walkers…the hares had done the impossible with everyone sharing the same beer stops at the same time. After another lengthy drinking session we announced “Open Check”. The hares were off before we realized Jin had NO IDEA where B was and the map that Piles had was faded, had no roads listed but instead showed a red cross that was supposed to mark the church across the street from B. A quick call to the hares and we had it sorted but DH and I had to catch the runners. We quickly lost trail and then just made it up eventually finding B and running backwards to the rest of the group. No Beer Required and Petting Zoo were in the flower market instead of running when we caught them and Jin was randomly parked on the side of the road nowhere close to B. Once we had the rest of the group and turned to run the correct direction we had the car follow us to the finish. Later we would discover that the restaurant that was supposed to be just past the Harley Davidson dealership was in fact another 500 meters down the road and you had to take a right at the light to find the restaurant on your left. The circle was begun and we met the visitors, first-timers and LTNS before DH took a stab at RA. With plenty of available “intel” he had no problems abusing over 2/3’s of the attendees. We transitioned to “accusating” people and as the sun began to set we realized we should take advantage of the remaining light and “have ourselves a Hangin’”! I mean naming and with Eric being listed as an “underscore” on last week’s email DH suggested that, but as you can see below the crowd decided something else would be better:

Today was a glorious day with three namings:

• Our virgin hare, Eric Smith, now Cock Sourcerer
• Our gentle German, Holger Meier, now Benz Over
• And of course our naughty hair stylist, Cindy Bingman, now Dirty Cut

And on such a beautiful and hot day the beer bath was not only refreshing but also as DC explained very good for your hair!!! With a quick clean up and announcements made we were “On Food”!!!

After dinner DH led the group in "Swing Low" and we retired for the evening.

On On

Moore Head

Beijing HHH - Hash Trash

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A truly global haring experience this week in Southeastern Beijing led by Mastur Baker, Wasabi Geisha and the soon to be named American Caroline now know as Ho Me (Be careful when you make those marks as a hare).
We had a large group of 7-8 virgins and while we missed the “German-timed departure of 3:05PM”, the hares explained the green and yellow chalk marks and the flour, which was a prior hash.  With it clear as mud and with a disappointed 1 BEER STOP…oh the travesty on such a beautiful day!!  I guess that is why the RA, D&C, called me at 3:05 and said “hey I am at home and can’t make it…” guess he heard rumors of only one beer stop.  With that we were “Open Check” and Ho Me confused by here role of lead hare took us straight to the first mark, making our day easier.  Apparently the hares said it “rained” the previous day so SOME marks might be missing…

With more open checks than a proctology exam room in the first 3K and incredible difficulty finding marks, we needed some assistance from Ho Me to stay on trail.  Numerous “On Downs” by the canal shortly followed by “On Ups” to canal crossings were keeping the hashers busy as the group became more and more spread out.  Even Petting Zoo was trying to run with her daughter on her back and some help from What’s Up Cock.  Amazingly the child actually fell asleep while she ran!  Meanwhile F That Monkey took a spill and twisted his ankle running of all things.  Spermaid was back from a 3-month immersion in South American culture but with only enough Spanish to say “you have beautiful eyes”.  The good news was a perfectly timed beer stop where all the walkers and runners met up and enjoyed cheap beer (although today I think more ice cream than beer was consumed).

After the rest of the hashers caught up and many switched to the walking trail we were “Open Check” and Caroline took us straight to the first mark…many thanks again! (although that isn’t exactly the way to do it)

We continued running in what seemed to be a 5 K radius of the start with a challenging route, at least when it came to finding marks and that kept Head Cleaner, RH, DH and Mark Handelman busy searching at every Open Check and 2/3-Way.  We reached the mark of a circle with an “H” and asked the hares what is this a Hash Hold?  No it was “Home” and right next to an ice cream stand so 30 hashers made her day by buying out the entire ice cream selection (I am pretty sure Undulator ate 3 today).

Eric, our visiting Bostonian, agreed to be Beer Bitch and after handing out 125 Run Patch to Pa Baker and a 25 Run Patch to Rock Humper we moved on to accusations in the absence of our RA.  In the circle Lucky Boy abused numerous hashers including In House Screw, the hares, Head Cleaner and himself (by virtue of forgetting hash names).  Pussy Problem was brought in for being topless and having some nipple pain today (he claims that means it was slightly more than 10K as his nipples are never wrong).  It became apparent that a naming was due and Caroline was called into the circle and christened “Ho Me”.  Dry Hole made some quick pleas for hares and with that we were “On Food” and an excellent outdoor meal…

On On

Moore Head

Beijing HHH - Hash Trash

Many old and new faces gathered at the south gate of Chaoyang Park for the return of the Taxi Ride Her and Phantom, famous in their own lunchtimes, and of course, more importantly, to FOYC RSB. Now back in expensive Australia, Phantom is a little short of money so immediately volunteered to do hash cash.  The hares made the mistake of thinking that they could just wander along to one of the restaurants near the start and arrange dinner.  Unfortunately, in the 8 months since their departure, a whole row of cheap restaurants has been demolished.  No longer an overpaid expat fatcat, Phantom now has no car either, so the pack donned their bags for the long walk to the restaurant near Jingkelong.  From here it was on on around the local hutongs to the first beerstop by the smelly creek alongside Hong Ling Jin park, with 47 hot, sweaty runners, walkers and pram-pushers squeezed into a hutong next to a hole-in-the-wall beer shop.

Suitably refreshed, the pack took off into Hong Ling Jin park, with The Only Gay in the Village and Sheepshagger racing each other with their terrified babies in prams.  At a stop in the park, TOGitV was surprised when Phantom began rummaging in the little carry bag on his pram, and was even more surprised when two bottles of Tequila emerged, hidden there earlier by the wily hare.  Foolish kneeling down no-hands Tequila races ensued, and then it was on on around the park, out the south gate, and west towards another beer stop.  While Sheepshagger nursed baby Fiona on his knee, several harriettes insisted on having their photos taken sitting in the pram.  One was even seen breast-feeding on a male hasher!  I know who enjoyed that the most.

From here it was on on to more hutongs, reaching the start/finish after 8km, just as the walkers arrived.  With Dazed and Confused in charge, the circle commenced down a busy little laneway, right opposite a beer shop whose owner thought he had finally reached Nirvana as the hares called for crate after crate of cold beer.  Maybe 10 newbies were introduced and serenaded, LTNS were punished, including Chop Stick Legs who hasn’t been seen in action in months, outside of balls (Balls, who said balls, I’ll have some of that – female version).  Rev Slackbladder and CSL attempted to out-champagne each other, a reference to some skulduggery at one of the aforementioned balls.  F**K That Monkey attempted his down down while doing a snotstand (see photos), Pretty Woman was punished only because we like singing THAT song and Phantom recited verbatim a story Dozy and Confusing told him in Kuching one morning – “Phantom, last night I met a German, long blonde hair, we went drinking for a long time, then we went back to my room, we took off our shirts, and swapped them.  He was a very nice man.”  Masturbaker was mugged for his 350th run and Pa Baker was recognized for 125 runs (although no badges were found).

The Reverend produced a superlative effort for his last RA’ing job in Beijing.  One of his stories commenced with “When I was a little boy, ….”, to which TOGitV was heard to comment, “Did he say when I was in a little boy?”, perhaps a flashback to his own sordid past.  RSB performed his last BJ naming, with Joshua Lagos now to be known as Le Cunt (or is that Les Cunt?).  This ceremony, as always, confirmed to the large crowd of locals, most already wearing their pyjamas, that foreigners are indeed a strange lot.  The beer shop owner simply rubbed his hands together as litres of beer were wasted, prompting a call for another crate.

The pack was called to order while we celebrated two very sad occasions, Headcleaner’s  impending marriage and Rev’s FOYC.  Several prominent hashers made very moving speeches for the Rev (no they didn’t, I made that up, we just sang the F**K Off song and went to the restaurant).  It’s worth noting that at the start of the circle only 19 people were registered for dinner, but by the end of the circle we had 14 extras who pleaded with Hash Cash to pay the extra 40 kuai because they were having so much fun.  From here it was on back to the restaurant, where Burning Bush, Snot, and Undulator produced a stunning cake decorated with hash paraphernalia, including a very realistic Cock of Chame.  Much more foolishness ensued, including singing, and it is unlikely that we will ever be able to use that restaurant again.

Full Moon Hash

After announcing at the previous Sunday run that Full Moon HHH would be held on Saturday night, then revising to Friday night, then later revising to Thursday night, Decapitated and Confused* was surprised when a good crowd arrived at Dongsishitao “subaway” station for the Full Moon.  D&C announced that it was going to be like a pub crawl, but instead of pubs we would be stopping at “beer chops”.  Before leaving we had to wait for Fake Spear and co-GM Tricky Shooter who finally arrived.  Decapitated was given 3 minutes start, which was plenty given that he used f**k all flour, resulting in the pack taking 20 minutes to get to the first beer chop about a km away.  At this “beer stop of the shirtless men”, we took many photos and made friends with the locals.  Swiss visitor Sam produced a massive camera (“You call that a camera, this is a camera”) which required a half hour training session for the beer chop owner to take our photo.  We changed hares and followed Transexual Schuber from here as we ran on through Taxi Writher’s old stomping grounds.  The next beer stop also had the classic Beijing exercise equipment nearby, a magnet for hashers.  More photo opportunities presented themselves, with the hasher formerly known as Bottoms Up continually taking photos while yelling what sounded like f**k us to the group (apparently “focus” in her language).

After being convinced to use chalk instead of flour, Damaged and Confiscated again took the haring role and ran off into the darkness.  Like lemmings we followed and in a short time found the hare at another beer chop. New runner Barry was wearing down and Shaken not Speared was walking by now.  After a quick beer, Spiking Viagra was handed the chalk for the next leg, foolishly leaving Cockgirl in Fan Tong’s capable hands.  Needless to say, she made it to the next beer stop, the finish, as slightly damaged goods.  The GM’s found a spot for the circle, intriguingly with a dog turd strategically placed, in original condition, inside the circle, making for lots of oohs and aahs as down down recipients unwittingly came ever so close to stepping on it.

Many down downs ensued, including the rather he zuile Peony who performed a strange dance to check for functionality on a harriette’s new card reader.  Texting Ride Her and Fat Tom were punished for cumming and going, Fan Zuile arrived late, and old hasher Li Mo happened to be going past and stopped for a beer.  Bottoms Up was renamed F**k Us (for Full Moon anyway).

Dinner conversation:  Swiss visitor lady Claudia, “What is this vegetable called?”.  TRH, “Snow pea”.  D&C “Like the dog”.

On On!!

The Phantom
*names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Boxer Hash

Dear Boxer Hashers!

Last months road (rail) trip to the grasslands of Inner Mongolia with our retarded cousins, the BJH3 and the FMH3 turned out to be a scorcher in more ways than one. I think everyone got the back of their legs burned, especially Boxer Hare 'Fucking Matt Damon' as he got the worst of it with his borderline blisters! New rule for Summer hashes - Bring lots of sun cream, not only to use it as an excuse to rub other hashers but to be rubbed on yourself!

I remember DnC, Spiking Viking, MH and the soon to be named, 'Fuckus' (we know who you are!) drinking the whole train dry after a bottle of vodka was demolished in 5 minutes. But thats about it...Sunshine, Drinking, World Cup, Drinking, Dodgy Club, Drinking, Sunshine, Ultimate frisbee, Drinking, Train, Drinking....I think I saw lucky boy at one point…and I'm certain we left Indiana Jones behind!

It was Snot's Birthday as well as Slackbladder's swan song as Boxer RA to which we had him doused in the nectar of the Gods!

We also made RSB drink so much that he passed out in the hotel and missed all the nights revelry watching world cup and eating entire lambs before drinking ourselves into a heat stricken slumber. Fare-D-well, Slackbladder, you will be missed but the word/joke association games shall always continue in your honour!

Dry Hole kept up his legendary status as he was the only one who took the initiative and thought of the beer over everything else and found a cold place to store it in the middle of the grasslands enabling us to intoxicate ourselves and keep cool at the same time! Shame on you, hares!

Thanks to all for what should really become an annual thing!

On On

Minime

Special thanks go to Burning Bush, who even though she got lost on one of the flattest Boxer trails we've ever seen, provided lots of cakes and apple pies for Limp Tart to stick his fingers into at every available moment...

Beijing HHH - Hash Trash

Many old and new faces gathered at the south gate of Chaoyang Park for the return of the Taxi Ride Her and Phantom, famous in their own lunchtimes, and of course, more importantly, to FOYC RSB. Now back in expensive Australia, Phantom is a little short of money so immediately volunteered to do hash cash.  The hares made the mistake of thinking that they could just wander along to one of the restaurants near the start and arrange dinner.  Unfortunately, in the 8 months since their departure, a whole row of cheap restaurants has been demolished.  No longer an overpaid expat fatcat, Phantom now has no car either, so the pack donned their bags for the long walk to the restaurant near Jingkelong.  From here it was on on around the local hutongs to the first beerstop by the smelly creek alongside Hong Ling Jin park, with 47 hot, sweaty runners, walkers and pram-pushers squeezed into a hutong next to a hole-in-the-wall beer shop.

Suitably refreshed, the pack took off into Hong Ling Jin park, with The Only Gay in the Village and Sheepshagger racing each other with their terrified babies in prams.  At a stop in the park, TOGitV was surprised when Phantom began rummaging in the little carry bag on his pram, and was even more surprised when two bottles of Tequila emerged, hidden there earlier by the wily hare.  Foolish kneeling down no-hands Tequila races ensued, and then it was on on around the park, out the south gate, and west towards another beer stop.  While Sheepshagger nursed baby Fiona on his knee, several harriettes insisted on having their photos taken sitting in the pram.  One was even seen breast-feeding on a male hasher!  I know who enjoyed that the most.

From here it was on on to more hutongs, reaching the start/finish after 8km, just as the walkers arrived.  With Dazed and Confused in charge, the circle commenced down a busy little laneway, right opposite a beer shop whose owner thought he had finally reached Nirvana as the hares called for crate after crate of cold beer.  Maybe 10 newbies were introduced and serenaded, LTNS were punished, including Chop Stick Legs who hasn’t been seen in action in months, outside of balls (Balls, who said balls, I’ll have some of that – female version).  Rev Slackbladder and CSL attempted to out-champagne each other, a reference to some skulduggery at one of the aforementioned balls.  F**K That Monkey attempted his down down while doing a snotstand (see photos), Pretty Woman was punished only because we like singing THAT song and Phantom recited verbatim a story Dozy and Confusing told him in Kuching one morning – “Phantom, last night I met a German, long blonde hair, we went drinking for a long time, then we went back to my room, we took off our shirts, and swapped them.  He was a very nice man.”  Masturbaker was mugged for his 350th run and Pa Baker was recognized for 125 runs (although no badges were found).

The Reverend produced a superlative effort for his last RA’ing job in Beijing.  One of his stories commenced with “When I was a little boy, ….”, to which TOGitV was heard to comment, “Did he say when I was in a little boy?”, perhaps a flashback to his own sordid past.  RSB performed his last BJ naming, with Joshua Lagos now to be known as Le Cunt (or is that Les Cunt?).  This ceremony, as always, confirmed to the large crowd of locals, most already wearing their pyjamas, that foreigners are indeed a strange lot.  The beer shop owner simply rubbed his hands together as litres of beer were wasted, prompting a call for another crate.

The pack was called to order while we celebrated two very sad occasions, Headcleaner’s  impending marriage and Rev’s FOYC.  Several prominent hashers made very moving speeches for the Rev (no they didn’t, I made that up, we just sang the F**K Off song and went to the restaurant).  It’s worth noting that at the start of the circle only 19 people were registered for dinner, but by the end of the circle we had 14 extras who pleaded with Hash Cash to pay the extra 40 kuai because they were having so much fun.  From here it was on back to the restaurant, where Burning Bush, Snot, and Undulator produced a stunning cake decorated with hash paraphernalia, including a very realistic Cock of Chame.  Much more foolishness ensued, including singing, and it is unlikely that we will ever be able to use that restaurant again.

Full Moon Hash

After announcing at the previous Sunday run that Full Moon HHH would be held on Saturday night, then revising to Friday night, then later revising to Thursday night, Decapitated and Confused* was surprised when a good crowd arrived at Dongsishitao “subaway” station for the Full Moon.  D&C announced that it was going to be like a pub crawl, but instead of pubs we would be stopping at “beer chops”.  Before leaving we had to wait for Fake Spear and co-GM Tricky Shooter who finally arrived.  Decapitated was given 3 minutes start, which was plenty given that he used f**k all flour, resulting in the pack taking 20 minutes to get to the first beer chop about a km away.  At this “beer stop of the shirtless men”, we took many photos and made friends with the locals.  Swiss visitor Sam produced a massive camera (“You call that a camera, this is a camera”) which required a half hour training session for the beer chop owner to take our photo.  We changed hares and followed Transexual Schuber from here as we ran on through Taxi Writher’s old stomping grounds.  The next beer stop also had the classic Beijing exercise equipment nearby, a magnet for hashers.  More photo opportunities presented themselves, with the hasher formerly known as Bottoms Up continually taking photos while yelling what sounded like f**k us to the group (apparently “focus” in her language).

After being convinced to use chalk instead of flour, Damaged and Confiscated again took the haring role and ran off into the darkness.  Like lemmings we followed and in a short time found the hare at another beer chop. New runner Barry was wearing down and Shaken not Speared was walking by now.  After a quick beer, Spiking Viagra was handed the chalk for the next leg, foolishly leaving Cockgirl in Fan Tong’s capable hands.  Needless to say, she made it to the next beer stop, the finish, as slightly damaged goods.  The GM’s found a spot for the circle, intriguingly with a dog turd strategically placed, in original condition, inside the circle, making for lots of oohs and aahs as down down recipients unwittingly came ever so close to stepping on it.

Many down downs ensued, including the rather he zuile Peony who performed a strange dance to check for functionality on a harriette’s new card reader.  Texting Ride Her and Fat Tom were punished for cumming and going, Fan Zuile arrived late, and old hasher Li Mo happened to be going past and stopped for a beer.  Bottoms Up was renamed F**k Us (for Full Moon anyway).

Dinner conversation:  Swiss visitor lady Claudia, “What is this vegetable called?”.  TRH, “Snow pea”.  D&C “Like the dog”.

On On!!

The Phantom
*names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Boxer Hash

Dear Boxer Hashers!

Last months road (rail) trip to the grasslands of Inner Mongolia with our retarded cousins, the BJH3 and the FMH3 turned out to be a scorcher in more ways than one. I think everyone got the back of their legs burned, especially Boxer Hare 'Fucking Matt Damon' as he got the worst of it with his borderline blisters! New rule for Summer hashes - Bring lots of sun cream, not only to use it as an excuse to rub other hashers but to be rubbed on yourself!

I remember DnC, Spiking Viking, MH and the soon to be named, 'Fuckus' (we know who you are!) drinking the whole train dry after a bottle of vodka was demolished in 5 minutes. But thats about it...Sunshine, Drinking, World Cup, Drinking, Dodgy Club, Drinking, Sunshine, Ultimate frisbee, Drinking, Train, Drinking....I think I saw lucky boy at one point…and I'm certain we left Indiana Jones behind!

It was Snot's Birthday as well as Slackbladder's swan song as Boxer RA to which we had him doused in the nectar of the Gods!

We also made RSB drink so much that he passed out in the hotel and missed all the nights revelry watching world cup and eating entire lambs before drinking ourselves into a heat stricken slumber. Fare-D-well, Slackbladder, you will be missed but the word/joke association games shall always continue in your honour!

Dry Hole kept up his legendary status as he was the only one who took the initiative and thought of the beer over everything else and found a cold place to store it in the middle of the grasslands enabling us to intoxicate ourselves and keep cool at the same time! Shame on you, hares!

Thanks to all for what should really become an annual thing!

On On

Minime

Special thanks go to Burning Bush, who even though she got lost on one of the flattest Boxer trails we've ever seen, provided lots of cakes and apple pies for Limp Tart to stick his fingers into at every available moment...